Illustration by André Carrilho The scene begins: an average house in the county of Normalshire, Middle England. A letter lands on a doormat. The camera leans forward to read the front. It looks like a polling card… Then – argh! – it’s Kemi Badenoch! What’s she doing in the hallway? The camera backs away as Kemi starts talking about why Britain needs to get serious. Into the kitchen now, where – woah! – Mel Stride is sitting at the dining table, frowning at a laptop. “You can’t keep spending money you don’t have,” says the shadow chancellor, who seems to have gained access to your online shopping history. The camera whips between Kemi and Mel, then – whoosh – flees to the nursery, where the shadow education secretary, Laura Trott, looks eerily calm. She is placing David Cameron’s autobiography next to a coloured abacus. The camera heads desperately for the front door, but… shit! It’s the shadow home secretary, Chris Philp!…